the serpent

The boys were getting in the car to go to Logan's t-ball game late yesterday afternoon.  I was still inside, getting stuff ready to go.  Logan came in and calmly informed me there was a snake in the garage.

They're constantly playing tricks on me, so I barely even heard him, too focused on getting the water bottles filled and out the door.. "Okay honey, just get in the car, I'll be out in a sec....".

Except then I stepped into the garage and the boys were intently focused on something behind the cooler on the floor.  And then I realized ............ SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE! A big one!

  &&^$#*&#($&#(#)+*&^$$%&$%!!

It was curled up behind our cooler, at the bottom of the steps leading into our laundry room.  My life quickly flashed before my eyes.  I peed my pants, at least in my mind.  And then I asked what any sane woman would ask in this situation.

"Where is my HUSBAND??????" 

This clearly falls in the husband department.  Dude.  I'll be in charge of school paperwork, grocery shopping, and our social calendar.  I can wipe butts and boogers with the best of them.  But snake removal is NOT EVEN CLOSE to being a part of my job description.  Not even close. 

Thankfully he pulled up from work right at this moment of hysteria, grabbed a flagpole, tie and dress pants still on, and while I shrieked my way across the front yard, my feet never touching the ground and arms flailing wildly like I was on fire, he got that sucker to crawl up on the pole and led it to the yard.   He was hissing and striking the whole time. And when I say he, I mean the snake.  Andrew was calm and collected. Almost as if he had done something similar before.  The boys were getting dangerously close. It was all a blur.  I'm pretty sure I dropped the F bomb, at least in my head, repeatedly.  And peed my pants again.

Andrew's plan was to get it into a paper bag and then carry it down and release it in a wooded brush area next to a pond down the street.  But alas, the beast got away from him and slithered into our neighbor's bushes.  Just as their teenage son was coming out the front door.  We informed him of the intruder, to which he simply replied, "Cool," and went on his way.

I still haven't fully recovered.  We were late to t-ball and to Dylan's first swim team practice and I barely watched either them as I was too busy telling the tale of the serpent.

It's still out there. Ssssssssssssssssstill.