John

This week, our family lost a very loved, cherished member.  John, my Stepdads' Stepdad, was an amazing person who devoted his life helping others, spreading Gods' love, and spending time with his children and their spouses, and his 35 grandchildren and great grandchildren.

The next two days will be filled with services where we'll all come together to celebrate John's life.  Its hard to lose someone any time of the year, but the holidays are especially hard.  John loved Christmas.  As difficult as these days are going to be, I know he would have loved everyone coming together.  John was always at every family gathering, taking hundreds of photos, making jokes and holding at least one grandchild.  I'm sure I don't know half the stories of people John counseled and helped during his lifetime, and I look forward to hearing them.

This is John and Martha, surrounded by all of their grandchildren and great-grandchildren (minus my brother and I and our kids and spouses).   Chris and I were at Disney in November when a very last minute beach trip was planned by my Stepdads' family so John could see the sunrise on the ocean.   That's where this photo was taken.    The photo underneath is John and Martha with their 7 children.

May you rest in peace, John.  You will be missed.

a painful lesson

A couple of months ago, I wrote about the tragic death of Henry Granju, a beautiful 18 year old boy in Knoxville.   Since I learned of his story, I have followed the incredibly eloquent blog, written by his amazingly courageous mother, Katie Granju.  The honesty and candor and strength with which she writes about this most painful experience of her life takes my breath away. 

And its made me think about how we'll talk to our boys about drugs and addiction, once they're old enough to approach the subject. 

I grew up pretty naive about drugs.   Sure they were around, and I knew people who used them.  It never appealed to me.  I don't really know why.  I can't remember any specific time my parents sat me down and told me about drugs and how they can ruin your life.  I'm sure they told me, and I'm sure it went it one ear and out the other; typical teenage denial of  "this doesn't apply to me".  But still, I just had no interest in trying them. 

Henry's story has resonated with me because I look at my own children, as wonderfully innocent and naive as they are now, and know it won't always be this way.  Someday, they're going to find out the world isn't all video games and play dates, and vacations and friends and fun.  And before that day, we're going to have to approach many difficult subjects...one of them being drugs and addiction.  How to make the right choices in life, and the consequences that can occur.  That they are not invincible.  Bad things do happen to good people.

Henry grew up in a very loving, supporting, nurturing home.  A home just like ours.  His parents gave him so much to prepare him for life.  They did all the right things.  And yet, Henry became an addict.  Its so scary.  Terrifying.   Where were the signs this was going to happen?

Katie watched her son spiral out of control and tried to help him in so many ways.  But as he approached 18, he moved out and essentially became homeless in the last months of his life. Selling drugs to feed his own addiction.  Katie prayed he would get arrested and put in jail so he would be taken away from what was making him sick.  Unfortunately, he didn't get arrested and continued the downward spiral and on April 26th of this year, was found beaten and in a coma in someones' home who sold him drugs.  He spent the last month of his young life hospitalized fighting for his life, and lost his fight on May 31st.

Maybe there's nothing you can tell your kids to keep them from trying drugs.  Maybe no matter how much you love them, how much you talk to them and how open your relationship is with them, it just doesn't matter.   But I have to believe that talking to them, informing them, and doing your best to give them real life examples of what can happen when you don't make good choices....  Well, I have to believe it can make a big difference.  

Unfortunately it didn't make a difference for Katie, and for Henry.  She is sharing Henry's journal entries, their text records, photos of Henry during his last days in the hospital...  Sharing all of this looking for answers.  Looking for something she may have missed.  Something she could have done to prevent this.  The thing is, I don't think she missed anything.  I think drug addiction is so complex and once it has its grip on someone, its a cancer that can choke the life away from a person no matter what they do. 

I admire Katie so much for sharing this most painful, private family story with the world.  During her own time of loss and excruciating pain, she's making other people aware that this can happen to any child. 

I don't know this family personally.   But from reading Katie's blog, I do know she wants people to know Henry.  To know he was smart, beautiful, talented, and a loving brother and son.  I know she doesn't want what happened to Henry to happen to any other child. 

I feel grateful to know of Henry's story.  It hasn't been easy reading about it and feeling some of Katie's pain in my own heart.  Someday, when its the right time, I will tell my boys about Henry. That he liked to skateboard, and played guitar and practical jokes.  But that he never got to grow into a man and follow his dreams.  That taking drugs made him sick and took him away from his family.  And I will hope and pray that by talking about it together, they will choose as I did when I was younger... that drugs will never become a part of their lives.

Henry Louis Granju

We hear all too often of terrible tragedies that happen to families...some we know, some we don't.  And sometimes its just easier to protect ourselves from the pain...to not imagine what others are feeling or going through.  But sometimes, I hear of something another family is going through and I can't stop myself from reading all of it; every horrible excrutiating detail.  I don't know why I do it.  Maybe I need to be reminded of how lucky I am for all I have, and how fragile life is.  Maybe if we don't allow ourselves to pause from our own happiness and feel the pain someone else is feeling, we lose the ability to empathize.  Maybe if we aren't aware of the pain others are feeling, we take all the good things for granted.  Sometimes, I think we just need to be reminded life is astoundingly beautiful, and very difficult.

A few weeks ago, I came across this blog. I don't know this family but the mothers' words gripped me tightly and didn't let go.  It was too painful to read more than a couple of posts. I felt sick.  I shut it down with no intention of ever going back. 

And now here I am today, pulled back to her words, reading her latest updates and wondering how its possible she is surviving through this.  Writing about it with such grace and beauty.  The thought of losing your son after 18 years of nurturing him, teaching him, loving him, hugging him.   Losing him in such a senseless, harsh, cold, cruel way. 

Its just impossible to make any sense of it at all. 

I ache for this mom.  In her pain, she is doing a wonderful thing.  The family has established an endowed fund that will provide scholarships for families who cannot afford to pay for needed drug and alcohol treatment programs for their children.


The Henry Louis Granju Memorial Scholarship Fund
c/o Administrator: James Anderson
Morgan Stanley Smith Barney
2000 Meridian Blvd. Suite 290
Franklin, TN 37067

Maybe by posting this, a few more people will read about Henry and a few more dollars will go to help an addicted child in need.

I pray that I never face this kind of tragedy in my own family.  I can't bear the thought of it.

ebbs and flows

I've been avoiding blogging this week, because sometimes you just don't know what to say.  Because writing about laughing with my kids, or a recipe or a TV show, or those stupid Silly Bandz that are all the rage at elementary schools right now driving the teachers batty, seems so trivial compared to what a close friend is going through.  Sometimes, there just aren't enough words to even scrape the surface of the sorrow you feel for a friend.

So to my beautiful friend who is having a hard time this week.  I'm so sorry.  You will find the strength to get through all of this and you will see the sun again soon.  I love you.

And to my Tatertown friend, who is adding another member to her family tomorrow, good luck and we can't wait to meet your new little tatertot soon.

Doug

“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”
- Eskimo proverb

Rest in peace Doug.  May your family take comfort knowing your suffering is over.  And may we all learn something from your courage.  You will live on forever in the hearts of those who knew you.

Doug vs. Frank

Andrew's friend Doug is losing his battle with colon cancer.  He learned of his illness in March 2008, and has been fighting like hell ever since.  There have been ups and downs along the way, but recently the situation has taken a turn for the worse.  Two weeks ago he was told he has two months to live. 

He is married and has a son, Kyle, just a little older than Dylan, and they live in Florida.  Andrew and Doug performed in the collegiate circus at FSU together in the early 90's.  I didn't know Andrew then, but his tales of the circus days are always good entertainment and sometimes I do wish we had met in college, if not for any other reason, just so I could have been one of the girls he caught flying through the air.

When Doug learned of his cancer, he named his tumor 'Frank' and started writing a blog.   I learned of Doug and his blog from Andrew over a year ago and I've been reading ever since. 

I've been amazed at Doug's candor, his courage and his ability to look at his situation with humor.  I can't imagine what must Doug and his family must be going through.  How do you prepare yourself?  Your child?  Your wife?  How do you strike a balance between that preparation and living each day to the fullest in the short time you have left?

Doug made a Bucket List and published it on his blog last month. And on it are some of the simple pleasures in life. Things that the rest of us might take for granted. Things that we think we'll get done, someday.

Doug, you have taught me, there are no guarantees.  Live today.

Andrew recently wrote Doug a letter, with these beautiful words:

"And in my mind you will live beyond your too short time on this Earth, as you will in the minds and hearts of everyone you’ve met, and the thousands that have read your brave words, which will inspire people to fend off their own 'Franks'. You will live forever in the soul and in the eyes of your son, and the heart of your wife."

Doug, you are bold, beautiful and brave.  Your heart will live on forever, my friend.

Don't You Forget About Me

This blog has become mostly a chronicle of the daily life with two little boys, our family antics and adventures, maybe a recipe here or there, and a few rants along the way. I don't often talk politics, philosophy, pop culture or movies. And we watch a lot of movies.

Today, the world lost one of my personal heroes from the film world, John Hughes. Only 21 years older than me, he wrote and directed the movies that spoke to me in my teens and 20's like no other director. His films filled my teen life with more quotes and more music than I can even remember. And to think he wrote these movies when he was in his 20's and early 30's is amazing to me. But it also explains how he so well captured the angst of high school stereotypes, and made adolescence a little more bearable for us all. His movies are a part of my history .. Soundtracks I can listen to and still remember how it felt to be sixteen, fragile and invincible at the same time .. Music that changed my entire world of music and opened my eyes .. Movies I can watch today and still laugh out loud every single time.

I'd be remiss if I didn't share a collection of some of my all time favorite John Hughes movie quotes and clips and bid him final farewell.

Pretty in Pink

Probably my all time favorite soundtrack!

I loved Duckie.

"We don't have none of this stuff in the boy's room! Wait a minute! We don't got none of this... we don't got doors on the stalls in the boy's room, we don't have, what is this? What's this? We don't have a candy machine in the boy's room!"

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

"Oh, he's very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude."

"You're Abe Froman? The Sausage King of Chicago?" ... "I weep for the future."

Here are some great one-liners from Ferris.

National Lampoon's Vacation

" This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest, a quest for fun. I'm gonna have fun and your gonna have fun. We're gonna have so much fucking fun they're gonna need plastic surgeons to remove the smiles from our fucking faces. We'll be whistling zippity-doo-dah out of our assholes."

The famous urine sandwich.

Poor doggy.

Roll'm up!

"Is that real tomato ketchup? Only the best, Eddie."

The Breakfast Club

"Screws fall out all the time; the world is an imperfect place."

"Well, well. Here we are. You have exactly eight hours and fifty-four minutes to think about why you're here. You may not talk, you will not move from these seats. Any questions?"

"Yeah. Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?"

"Don't mess with the bull, you'll get the horns!"

Wierd Science

"How about a nice, greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray?"

"You know, there's going to be sex, drugs, rock-n-roll... chips, dips, chains, whips... You know, your basic high school orgy type of thing. I mean, uh, I'm not talking candlewax on the nipples, or witchcraft or anything like that, no, no, no. Just a couple of hundred kids running around in their underwear, acting like complete animals."

And who could forget this scene?

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

The entire rental car scene makes me laugh out loud just thinking about it.

Sixteen Candles

Who can ever forget Long Duk Dong?

"What's your last name?" "Dong."

"What's your first name?" "Long."

"What's your middle name?" "Duk."

"What was he wearing? Well, uh, let's see, he was wearing a red argyle sweater, and tan trousers, and red shoes... No, he's not retarded. "

"You gave me a birth control pill? Do you know what that can do to a guy my age?"

"I really love Rudy. He is totally enamored of me. I mean, I've had other men love me before, but not for six months in a row. "

Some Kind of Wonderful

another great soundtrack

"And these children that you spit on as they try to change their worlds;are immune to your consultations, they are quite aware of what they are going through." -David Bowie

Thanks for the great movies John. We won't forget about you.

Fine as a Frog Hair Split Four Ways

My grandfather passed away last night. Grandpa was always so full of hugs and songs for all of his grandkids. The past few years have been hard. He has been in a nursing home as his health deteriorated. I know it was hard on him being there, and hard on my Grandma seeing him slip away. He sure did give the nurses a run for their money when his mind was better. I'm sure no one there will forget him anytime soon.

We'll be driving to Ohio tomorrow to spend several days with family and attending services. I'm sure we'll share some tears, but also some laughter just remembering what a character my Grandpa Williams was. In his younger years, I can remember spending many a Sunday afternoon at his house while he whipped up "Sunday Supper" for all of us. And afterward he'd settle into his recliner for some football watching, which more than often turned into a cat nap. He taught me the song "It ain't gonna rain no more, no more... It ain't gonna rain no more... How in the heck will I wash my neck if it ain't gonna rain no more, no more?" And my very first driving lessons were on Grandpa Williams' riding lawnmower before I was even in junior high school. The title of this post is his favorite saying. You'd ask him how he was doing, and that would be his reply.

In the above photo are Grandpa and Grandma Williams, with Dylan when Dylan was two, in May 2004.

We'll miss you Grandpa. Rest in peace.

Dr. Laura Pasternak, M.D. 1954 - 2008

Late yesterday, we learned one of our pediatricians passed away. Her name was Dr. Laura Pasternak and she was an amazing woman and doctor. She battled breast cancer on and off for the past 13 years. But despite her sometimes failing health, it didn't stop her from opening a very personal pediatric practice dedicated to treating children in a most nurturing and sometimes even unconventional manner. She believed in homeopathic approaches, and didn't always rush to medicate like so many doctors do nowadays. She and the other doctors shared a vision for treating each child personally and thoroughly. The practice is called "Whole Child Pediatrics" and I can't think of a more respresentative name for their approach. The first time I met her, I remember feeling a bit intimidated as she was 6'3". But I soon felt her warm heart and knew we had brought our baby to someone who would care for him as if he were her own child.

When Dylan was an infant around 9 months old, he began having numerous ear infections that led us to her office over and over again. During a particularly bad infection and while we were at her office being seen, she took time to call the most reputable pediatric ENT in our area to have him see Dylan the next day. Had we called on our own to get that same appointment, it would have taken months as specialist pediatric doctors are in such high demand. Dylan was seen the next day, and two days later we were at the outpatient center for him to receive ear tubes. The ENT surgeon told us after seeing the infection in Dylan's left ear, it was so horrible that it was beginning to affect his mastoid bone, which can ultimately result in permanent hearing loss and a host of other lifelong problems. They were able to put the tubes in and relieve his pain, and we believe this very well could have saved his hearing. Had we been made to wait a long time to see the ENT or have the procedure for Dylan, who knows how much worse the infection could have become or what could have happened to Dylan's hearing. Not to mention how much longer he would have been in horrible pain with infection after infection. The tubes are now out, but they did their job perfectly and we're so thankful for the care he received.

A few weeks after the procedure, I wrote Dr. Pasternak a letter thanking her for taking the time to make that call to the ENT for us. She didn't have to do that, and many doctors wouldn't have. She was just an amazing doctor in that way. I'm so glad we had that opportunity to thank her and let her know her efforts did not go unappreciated.

Her cancer went into remission until three years ago, and then she was told she had six months to live. She did everything she could to outlive those statistics and help prepare her medical practice and her family (including her three teenage children) for her departure.

I attended her service today and heard stories about her amazing life. I wish I could list her many accomplishments here, I could write all day. What a life! In 1972, she was one of the top 25 swimmers in the world, missing the 1972 Munich Olympic team by 1/10th of a second. She has traveled and lived all over the world to give medical care to underpriveledged children, and worked on movements to help end apartheid and free Nelson Mandela. She even helped work her way through school by working as a laborer for a steel mill!

I heard her husband talk about his love for her, I heard her children speak in awe of her perserverance. I heard her fellow physicians' admiration for her, and I realize how many lives she touched and inspired. The church was full of patients like me, whose children she has helped and lives she has changed.

We will miss you Dr. Pasternak. May you rest in peace.