Wednesday, April 16, 2008

heavy thoughts at five

Today, Dylan asked "Mommy, are you getting old?" I thought carefully and replied "Well, yes. I'm getting a little older all the time, and so are you. Everyday we all get a little tiny bit older. Why?" Dylan said "I don't want you to get old Mommy. I don't want you to die." Wow. I thought again and said "Well honey, I'm not going to die for a very, very long time. I will be here with you for lots and lots of years." That seemed to satisfy him for the moment..

Tonight at bathtime he brought it up again to both me and Andrew. He said, "I don't want you both to die." And we both assured him we will all be together for a long, long time. His little eyes welled with tears and he said "I want to take care of you so that you don't die." I said "Well you can take care of us, and we will take care of you. We'll have lots and lots of years together to be happy and you don't need to worry or feel sad."

I'm not sure where these questions are coming from, or how much he really understands about death. We are very careful not to watch the news when he is awake so he doesn't hear about things that are confusing and scary. I don't remember when I realized people don't live forever or wondering about what happens to people after they die. Its a little piece of innocence taken. Realizing that sometimes life is sad and its just part of being human. I hope I can assure him that for the time we all have here together, we do our best to love each other and be happy and that's the best life anyone can have.

Its so amazing to spend these days with my children and watch them learn and grow. Part of me wants to stop time and hold onto them as they are right now, but part of me can't wait to see what they will be like tomorrow and the day after that. I know that I can face growing older having these two beautiful children in my life because they make life matter. They will always help me feel young.